Let's face it: sometimes kids say things we have no idea how to respond to. As parents, educators, and caregivers, it's easy to feel like our job is to have all the answers all the time. But the good news is — you don't have to.
In fact, as I've gotten older and gained more experience as both a parent (nearly 20 years) and an educator (over 10 years), it's become clearer and clearer to me that it's far more important for us to offer a steady hand of guidance along the way than to have the exact right answers at the exact right time.
When my oldest was a newborn, I was absolutely the most overprotective parent — swooping in at every sign of his discomfort, trying to "fix" every situation. But what I realize now is that kids often need a lot less fixing, and a lot more non-judgmental guiding.
The moments that produce the most growth are almost never the ones where an adult said something perfectly instructive. They're the moments where an adult stayed present, stayed curious, and didn't flinch. It is in that spirit that I want to share the phrases I find myself turning to more and more — as a parent and former school leader — to help guide young people through their discomforts, frustrations, and moments of emotional dysregulation.
The goal of every phrase below is the same: keep the conversation open, lean on the relationship, avoid guilt and shame, encourage problem-solving, and ultimately empower the child to take ownership over their own thoughts and feelings.
With that in mind, here are ten things to say to your child when you don't know what to say:
1. "That's interesting — tell me more about what you're thinking."
This phrase signals genuine curiosity rather than alarm, and it invites the child to keep talking. When kids sense that what they've said is about to get them in trouble, they shut down. This phrase signals the opposite. It says: I'm not reacting, I'm listening. I can handle your thoughts and feelings. And your thoughts and feelings are important to me. It also buys you some time if you need to think through what you're going to say and want to avoid a knee-jerk reaction.
2. "I'm not here to get you in trouble. I just want to understand where you're coming from."
Many kids operate from a deep fear of judgment and shame. There are interesting ways in which gendered norms play into these feelings — boys might worry about appearing weak, while girls might be inappropriately burdened with the responsibility of other people's feelings. This phrase attempts to disarm that reflex. It separates your presence from the threat of punishment and repositions you as someone who is trying to understand, not punish.
3. "Can I share how that lands for me?"
This one does some important work, particularly when a child has said something inappropriate or harmful — maybe a sexist joke, a condescending remark. It's a way to model naming your own reaction without centering it. You're not saying "that was wrong." You're not shutting it down. You're saying: your words have impacted me, and I'd like to share that with you, if that's okay. That kind of relational honesty is exactly what we're trying to teach. And while they may not understand precisely why their words were problematic, they can understand how it affected you.
4. "I don't totally know how to respond right now, but I'm really glad you brought this up."
Admitting that you don't have an immediate answer can feel counterintuitive for a lot of adults. We're supposed to know things. But when you say this to a child, what they hear is: you can bring hard things to me and I won't pretend to have it figured out. That can be an enormous gift. It normalizes not knowing — making it easier for them to understand that they don't have to have all the answers either — and keeps the door wide open for the next conversation.
5. "It sounds like there's more under the surface. Do you want to talk it through?"
Too many of us have stories about a time in our childhood when we were shamed or shut down by an adult for expressing an emotion that wasn't considered appropriate. That kind of shame response has long-term consequences — kids learn that certain feelings aren't okay to express. Instead, they channel those feelings into whatever emotions they can, sometimes resulting in aggression or refusal to cooperate. This phrase creates a gentle opening to go beneath the surface. It doesn't demand vulnerability, but lets them know it's safe to go there with you if and when they're ready.
6. "I used to think that way too. Can I tell you what helped me see things differently?"
This one calls for real vulnerability from you, and honesty about your own journey. It removes the adult-as-authority dynamic entirely. You're not correcting them from a place of superiority. You're walking alongside them and sharing something from your own experience.
Fair warning: only use this phrase if it's true. Kids can tell when adults are performing solidarity. If you genuinely held a similar view at some point and worked through it, this phrase can open an extraordinary conversation. If you didn't, a different phrase will serve better.
7. "I can tell you're upset / frustrated / angry / sad / disappointed."
Use a phrase like this instead of "it's okay" when a child is visibly upset. It's easy to fall into the trap of telling kids who are genuinely distressed that "it's not that big a deal" or "you'll get over it." All of those phrases dismiss their feelings, minimize their concerns, and send the message that you can't handle what they're experiencing.
No one has ever gotten over anything because someone told them to "get over it." On the contrary, a phrase that simply acknowledges their feeling in the moment assures them that they are understood, that nothing is inherently wrong about their feeling, and that they have permission to feel it fully. Conversations about whether the intensity of the feeling matched the situation can come later.
8. "That's a tough one — what do you think a good next step might be?"
Rather than solving the problem for the child, you're inviting them to solve it themselves, with you present as a sounding board. It builds agency, problem-solving skills, and communicates that you trust them to think things through. That trust, communicated consistently over time, is one of the most powerful things a parent or caregiver can offer.
9. "How do you think someone else might feel hearing that?"
Empathy is a skill that has to be practiced. This question does something simple but profound: it invites a child to temporarily step outside of their own perspective and consider someone else's. It doesn't accuse them or tell them they're wrong. It simply asks them to consider something they may not have considered.
I've worked with students who genuinely struggle to answer a question like this — which makes it that much more important to give them ongoing opportunities to practice perspective-taking.
10. "I don't have all the answers, but I'm here to figure it out with you."
The work happens in the conversation. Not in having the right answers. You don't need to have this figured out to show up. What kids need more than a parent who knows everything is a parent who stays in it with them — who doesn't disappear when the conversation gets hard.
A Final Thought
What I've learned after years of this work is that children don't need the adults in their lives to be perfect. They need them to be present. They need to know that when they bring something uncomfortable to you, you'll stay in the room. Because if you don't, someone else might — and you may not like what they end up teaching them.
Notice what all ten of these phrases have in common: none of them judge, none of them shame, and none of them rush toward a conclusion. They stay open. They lean on the relationship. They communicate that the child's thoughts and feelings matter — which is ultimately what keeps the door open for the next conversation. And an open door is everything.
If you're a parent looking for one-on-one support to have these conversations with your child, parent coaching offers personalized guidance to help you stay present when it matters most.
If you're a school counselor, administrator, or educator looking for structured support for the boys in your school, the Redefining Masculinity curriculum builds these skills over six weeks — giving students the language, frameworks, and practice to navigate exactly these kinds of conversations. See the curriculum.
