Last week, my school officially shuttered its doors. It was sudden, it was unexpected, and it has sent shockwaves through our entire school community. I've been thinking a lot about the 10 years I worked there — all of the titles I collected over the years, all of the hats I wore, all of the amazing memories, the hard times, the good times, and all of the personal and professional growth I experienced.
More than anyone else, I keep thinking about the amazing students who will no longer have the beautiful safe space my team and I were able to create. And I think about what I wish I could tell parents to help them better maintain that kind of safe space that kids need to thrive.
So here's a list of insights I've gained over the years from working with children, parents, and teachers. Or, to put it another way: the things I most frequently wished I could tell parents directly when doing my best to support them and their child:
Your desire to maintain a sense of control — and your fear of letting go of it — is probably keeping your child from fully thriving or developing a secure sense of independence. Children are not to be "controlled." Trying to do so is one of the most futile undertakings you could attempt. Don't try it. Don't waste your energy. Your energies are needed elsewhere.
Your child's school can only do so much when it comes to behavioral concerns if the situation at home keeps rewarding, encouraging, or ignoring poor patterns of behavior.
Problematic patterns of behavior in children can often be traced to problematic patterns of behavior in parents. This could be due to many things, including: unresolved traumas, failure to adapt to your child's changing needs, poor communication, struggles with your own emotional dysregulation, lack of consistency in holding children accountable, or an approach to consequences that focuses more on punishment than on teaching and restoration.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do as a parent is literally shut your mouth and just listen to your child.
You don't have to have all the answers. I genuinely believe your relationship with your child will improve a hundred-fold as soon as you drop the facade that you do.
Stop trying to "fix" everything for your child. You are stunting their growth and ability to problem-solve.
Your child does not need a smartwatch, smartphone, or tablet — and you need to be much more thoughtful about how they're using devices and accessing the internet.
Learn about the coaching practices of "mirroring" and "paraphrasing." They are some of the most powerful ways to ensure your child feels heard. They also have the added benefit of forcing you to slow down and interrupt your instinct to immediately provide solutions.
Be careful about phrases that invalidate your child's feelings. "It's okay," "it's no big deal," "you'll get over it," "don't worry about it" — these actually tell kids that you can't handle their feelings, or don't care to know what they actually are. Instead, try acknowledging: "I can tell this is hard for you." "You seem upset about this." "That must have felt disappointing." These phrases acknowledge and empower. They give kids names for their emotions and make clear that no feeling is shameful.
Kids are remarkably forgiving, resilient, and loving. They are going to give you so many chances to do better by them. Take those chances and do better.
The most powerful consequences flow naturally from the nature of the choices you're trying to correct. The least effective consequences have no logical connection to the action, are dragged out over too long, or are delayed to the point of becoming meaningless.
Sometimes kids tell you exactly how they're feeling — but in the wrong words. If they haven't learned the language of their emotions, their words and actions might not match their actual feelings. "I'm scared because I can't handle so many changes and need reassurance" might come out as "I hate you! You're the worst parents ever!" Try to distinguish between what they're saying and what they mean.
Once a child has received a consequence and restoration has taken place, move on. Your love for your child should drive the desire to correct their behavior. That same love should drive your desire to give them the opportunity to do better next time. They can't do that if you keep harping on their past mistakes.
Stop over-parenting. You're not giving your child opportunities to safely fail, to safely experiment, to learn, to grow, to problem-solve for themselves.
Stop under-parenting. You're not providing your child any clear moral framework or guidelines for how they should determine for themselves whether a choice they're about to make is a good one.
Your child needs your presence more than your performance. The moments that produce the most growth are almost never the ones where an adult said something perfectly instructive. They're the moments where an adult stayed present, stayed curious, and didn't flinch.
You are modeling the kind of adult your child will become. How you handle frustration, conflict, failure, and accountability matters — not just what you tell them about those things.
It's taken me 10 years of working in a school and nearly 18 years of being a parent to synthesize all of the above. I'm certain I will continue to write things to help me process this change. For now, I'll leave it at this.
What would you add to the list?
If you're a parent who wants one-on-one support navigating conversations like these with your son, parent coaching offers personalized guidance for exactly these situations.
If you're an educator or counselor who works with boys, the Redefining Masculinity curriculum builds many of these skills into a structured 6-week program — giving students the language, practice, and frameworks they don't always get at home. See the curriculum.
