"Be a Man." "Man Up." "Grow a pair."
If you're a boy or a man, chances are you've heard these phrases, or something like them. There's an activity I've done with numerous groups of boys and men where I start by saying these phrases and ask them to raise their hands if they've ever been told some version of any of them.
Every single time, with every age group, every single hand in the room goes up.
Many of these boys and men could also recall the moment they first heard it. They remember the circumstances, what they were doing, who said it. And almost universally, they remember that it didn't feel great.
After working through the exercise below, you'll be able to better verbalize why it didn't feel great — and more importantly, what to do about it. It's all tied to an idea called "the man box," and how boys and men learn what it means to "be a man."
What Is the Man Box?
There are specific ways in which boys and men are socialized into ideas of what it means to "be a man." The nature of socialization is such that it works silently, slowly shaping our thoughts and points of view. If we don't take the time to interrogate our own thinking — how we've come to certain ideas and conclusions — it's likely we'll just hold on to the same ideas, no matter how problematic they may be.
To help boys and men start breaking down their own conception of masculinity, I take them through an activity called the Man Box.
The Exercise
Here's how it works. It works best in a group setting, but you can grab a piece of paper and something to write with if you want to follow along privately.
Work through these questions about the ideal man we're all supposedly supposed to be when someone says those words. Not what the right answer is. Not what you think you should say. But think about this man that boys and men are supposed to be whenever someone says "be a man" — the man boys and men are expected to aspire to, according to the pressures and expectations of society.
- What does this man look like? What does he sound like?
- How does he treat other men? How does he treat women?
- What emotions is he allowed to show? What emotions is he not supposed to show?
When I run this activity in groups, the answers are remarkably consistent across ages, backgrounds, and cultures. This man is tall, muscular, deep-voiced. He cares about success, money, power, sex. He doesn't ask for help — that would be weakness. He treats other men like competition. He treats women like objects. He can't show sadness, pain, deep care, or fear. Even extreme joy can be frowned on. The only feeling he's usually allowed to express is anger.
The Invisible Boundary
That is the Man Box. It's the box of ideas, expectations, norms, and social rules that pressure boys and men to express their masculinity in extremely limiting, often harmful ways. It's the box many boys and men work hard to stay within.
There is an invisible boundary around these ideas and ideals. As long as boys and men live up to these social expectations of what a "real man" says and does, they can stay inside the Man Box.
What are the names they get called when a boy plays with dolls? When he wants to learn ballet? When he has a non-sexual friendship with a woman? Wuss. Wimp. Little girl. Baby. Sissy. And all kinds of more vulgar varieties. Words that are explicitly gendered, telling boys that if they're not being a man, they're being either gay or a woman.
What society tells boys and men, over and over again, is: stay within this box, or risk public shame and humiliation.
If you're a man reading this, it's sadly likely that you've called another boy or man one of these words — or something similar — at some point in your life. Just like it's even more likely you've been on the receiving end, too. I think that's worth sitting with.
And there's a darker implication that needs to be named directly: within these rules, one of the worst insults a boy can receive is that he's a girl. Think, for a moment, what effect that has on how boys go on to view girls, women, and anyone who is LGBTQ+. How can they come to love and respect a person they've been taught to associate with the worst thing they could be for most of their lives?
Outside the Box
Before boys can redefine masculinity, they first have to name the expectations they've inherited. That's the point of this exercise — not shame, not blame, but naming.
So let's go back to those same questions and ask: what would the answers look like outside the box?
Outside the box, a man might be short, thin, soft-spoken. He asks for help. He collaborates. He dances, gardens, bakes. He values empathy, cooperation, kindness, compassion. He expresses disappointment, grief, frustration. He respects women for their humanity, listens to them, empathizes with them, and develops lasting and emotionally rewarding non-sexual, non-romantic friendships.
None of these are generally considered "masculine." But they are all absolutely acceptable feelings, hobbies, and goals for any human being.
What would happen if we just wiped the boundaries of that box away? What could it look like if every boy and man is given permission to explore every feeling, emotion, hobby, interest? There's nothing inherently wrong with going to the gym every day or really loving the sport you play. But if you do any of those things out of a sense of pressure to perform your masculinity and prove to others that you are man enough — that might be worth reflecting on.
Breaking It Down Together
No one individual man created the man box on their own. It's something we've inherited and been socialized into. But our actions, assumptions, jokes, comments, and thoughts help maintain and sustain it.
Which means we can also start breaking it down together.
The Man Box exercise is one of the core frameworks in the Redefining Masculinity curriculum — a 6-week program for middle and high school students. If you're a counselor, administrator, or educator interested in bringing this work to your school, see the full curriculum.
